You’d think I’d know better, being 52, previously married for 18 years, having brought up two kids and so on… I should have the “life experience” to protect myself from doing stupid things at this point, right?
To be fair to me, I did think I had all of that wisdom and know-how to ensure that my calls weren’t bad anymore and that I could trust my judgment. As I completed that sentence, I had to laugh as I could imagine two people LMAO when they read this — my parents!
Right, without further delay, let’s dive into this dramatic and somewhat pathetic time in my life! Are you ready?
The Beginning (of the end).
You guessed it, social media, Instagram to be precise, got me into hot water. I met this girl or instead saw her on an aquaintances’ IG post. So I contacted my “friend” (who I met once) and asked her about her friend. I asked the usual useless questions — stupidly thinking I was getting reliable data — is she nice, cool, fun to be with, intelligent, active, does she work, etc. The answers all came back confirming what I wanted to hear.
Burn No 1 completed.
The expected happened; we soon started texting each other on IG, and then we moved our chats over to WhatsApp. Oh, the wonderful WhatsApp. I don’t even want to try to imagine how many relationships this app has destroyed!
I believe my saga started to unfold around July 2019. Keeping tabs of the timeline is of the essence in this account to show you how fast it all evolved and imploded.
Speed, Eagerness, and Motivation.
Now, I have this tendency to make fast moves because I like to get things done quickly. Unfortunately, one can also coin this as overly impulsive, which mostly leads to disappointment.
So there I was, sitting in my poxy little house I was temporarily renting in Upstate New York, thinking to myself, this sucks, this lovely lady (the woman of my dreams) is way over there in Asia, and I’m here in New York. I wasn’t happy where I was and was itching to jump ship and get out! I had ants in my pants.
Luckily, I had already planned my next Hong Kong/China business trip for early August — only a few weeks away. Hong Kong is a 3-hour flight to where I had to meet this lovely lady, so surely it would be the right thing to do to tag on a few days (or weeks) and head that way, so I did.
The night before taking off for my destination, my “future wife” and I had our first serious argument on WhatsApp, and we blocked each other! So, I ended up going to paradise and hung out alone, not meeting her. That should have been that, but no, this is me we are talking about!
Burn No 2 completed.
The Fall (as in falling)
Back in the USA for a few weeks, I soon had to fly back to the factory in China I was working with to fix production issues. September came around, and there I was again, in Hong Kong. What enters my mind? Yes, I wonder how the “lost future wife” is doing. So I did it, contacted her — she had already unblocked me, so that was easy enough to do. I’m back on a plane to paradise, all excited, giddy, and confident this is it!
Arriving in paradise, my princess came to meet me — 1 hour late — but she came to collect me — Red Flag! But Nah, ignore the delay; it’s ok; this is the tropics after all, and time’s measured differently here.
→ a quick fast forward — it’s September 2021, and I haven’t left since!
We spent 2 weeks together, dancing back and forth from my rental house to meeting her parents and remaining family members. Please make no mistake about it; there was a sense of purpose and urgency in our young relationship, ok, passion too — which was my downfall, as I didn’t let my brain do the thinking, if you know what I mean!
We had passionate days and nights and some severe bust-ups during these first weeks. Nevertheless, we were both relentless, so I thought. A missile in the lower region of my body was clearly guiding me; she was driven by something entirely different — more on that a later! I thought it was love, but it turns out it wasn’t; that would be too simple.
The Pop, Crackle, and Bang!
The question, or rather the information, was given of my darlings’ dream of getting married in 2019. It had always been her dream to marry no later than 2019, she told me. She loved me so much, and she knows it’s right — I was assured. All missiles were ready for launch!
Meanwhile — I’m pooping myself.
Shit, now what? There I was, living the dream floating on a wave of testosterone, enjoying the moment with my young, fit and beautiful girl. I flopped to the ground and hit it like a sack of potatoes. The wind had left my sails. Marry, again, now, so quickly? Is this real, or am I dreaming, or what the f… is going on?
Self-Dialog
Cautious Rob enters — my other half.
You know we all have two sides, right? Do you find yourself talking or thinking to debating situations from time to time, in the shower, car, or walking? That’s you talking to your other side.
Impulsive Rob: you can do this, wait until the end of December and see how it all unfolds. You can do it; why not?
Cautious Rob: don’t do it, it’s too soon, but you know you, you can’t be stopped if you set your mind to something. But don’t say I didn’t tell you!
Impulsive Rob: oh, relax, dude, I’m fine, I got this. Trust me; I’ll take it slow and be careful!
Cautious Rob: LOL.
End of Self-Dialog.
We got married on December 28, 2019, at 11 am.
Burn No 3 completed.
That was the day I signed my life away — my Nightmare begins.
The following chronological account will flow quickly, just as events did — kind of like a slow train wreck does — fast enough!
After week 3 my wife quit her job for no reason next; she stopped working out, running and didn’t want to come walking or training with me anymore.
I’m becoming more and more confused; the arguments were happening more frequently.
Frustration builds on both sides — her family starts to getting involved — trouble is looming!
This pattern continues for the next 4 months, worsening by the week. Walk-outs start, my wife disappears for a night or two, back to her parent’s house, or a friend, I didn’t know, for her to return later as if nothing happened.
We carry on, but things are becoming tricky and complicated, especially for me in a country I knew nothing about — to the point I felt I was slipping into dangerous territory. And indeed, I was.
A big argument ensued at the end of April 2020, ending up with my dear brother and father-in-law coming to our house, threatening me with the worst, and finally taking my wife away.
The following day between 8 am, and 9 am, my wife asked me to take her back multiple times (by WhatsApp text); I was sleeping as I hadn’t slept all night — I couldn’t respond until I woke up, which was too late to remedy the situation.
To my astonishment, by 11 am she texted me she wanted a divorce.
Alright, I know the question is burning, so I’ll answer it!
What did you do, Rob, for her and her family to react so severely? You must have done something!?
It’s coming.
Now back to the above question: What was driving her?
The kicker: I had recently taken away her credit card, cut it up, and threw it away — the amount of money spent was insane, which I hadn’t checked until far too late — my bad.
That move didn’t go down too well as the money well dried up! That’s what I did, and that’s when it got ugly.
Burn No 3 completed.
Divorce No 1.
After 3 months of divorce procedure, my wife dropped the divorce and returned to me — I accepted.
We stayed together for another 4 months, during which she left me another 8 times. After the last time, I had enough.
Divorce No 2.
Finally, I filed for divorce in January 2021 and brought this whole affair to an end. It wasn’t an easy divorce end, but it ended, and I got my life and sanity back — somewhat.
The Conclusion & Lesson.
I want to clarify here that I’m not blaming my ex-wife; on the contrary, I blame myself entirely. I’m also not trying to paint her as the villain or a bad person — she’s not. She’s a good person at heart, but (like us all) has issues.
This is my account of what happened, and I’m sure hers would be much different. But that’s not the point of this article. The point is — it’s not about blame. I decided to share my story to help others not make the same mistake and aspire to be better with choices and serious life decisions.
Whether to get married or not is a serious decision, one that will change your life for better or worse — it’s up to you.
The lesson is simple for all to see. You cannot, just cannot marry someone you just met and “hope” it will work out. That’s like Russian Roulette! You may win, but it’s more likely you’ll die!
Please, no matter how strong that initial feeling of passion and attachment may be, tame it and think, step back, breath and think more, slow down; there’s plenty of time.
I know all too well how it feels to be alone for a long time — it’s not good. And when you finally meet someone you believe you relate to, all you want is to fast forward and be in a long-term relationship, now, as it will be ok, you think.
However, you don’t know the person you’re getting involved with and don’t forget — you aren’t just getting involved with that person; you’re taking the family in too! That’s something very profound to remember and consider.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you enjoyed reading about my crazy life!
Rob
